Charmed & Dangerous

THE EXPERIMENT:
If I go on a first date and I think it goes well and he still ghosts out on me, I’ve decided to shoot him a little text asking why.

I don’t shame or blame, just explain it would help me out a lot, he should be brutally honest & he really has nothing to lose. I think guys are so taken aback by the request that they obliged.

WHY?
Since it was only one date (and i usually go on 3-4 a week) I’m not emotionally invested enough to fear what their response would be or even care enough to attempt to take a corrective action. Really, its just a way to get a little peak into the male mind, take healthy control of my dating life & remind myself that its usually not me.

THE RESULTS 

I truncated the messages a bit out of respect for the guys but have put ages just to get more perspective. I usually date older than this, primarily late 20s/early 30s but it’s usually all the same.

  • Age 26 (To be honest, I really liked this guy)
    Sorry for the huge delay. I am actually just terrible at dating people. You were lots of fun to hang out with and I had a good time chatting after the show… Just feeling out if I’m interested in dating anyone at all and I’m still very unsure, so sorry about that. 

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  • Age 23
    Hi. I’m sorry, I feel like a jerk pretty much… Well, to be brutally honest, I kind if don’t want to go out with anybody right now. I still have a lot of feelings for my ex and it felt kind of weird for me to go on a date… You’re a cool girl, I just can’t see anyone but friends and myself right now.

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  • Age 25
    Sorry, didn’t mean to cold shoulder you. I think you’re a cool chick. You’re brilliant, & have a lot going on…and really, I don’t think you should change a thing. It’s just that being out on a date the other day made it brutally obvious to me that I’m not over my last relationship at all…

I’ll keep posting results as they come.

UNEXPECTED FINDINGS:

  • The response rate has actually been 100%
  • Guys apologize when you call them out for ghosting, even if you didn’t really mean to call them out.
  • All of these gentleman were very nice, but I must note that they all still have active OKC profiles that they have checked within the last 24 hrs that still read looking for a LTR.
  • I really do have little control over the situation. (Meaning, it doesn’t matter how great I am if they’re not available).
  • There’s probably nothing “wrong” with me (in terms of dating, at least).

FINAL THOUGHTS:

  • I am possibly attracted to unavailable men, however, considering my volume of dating, its more likely that there are very few men that are available, especially emotionally.
  • The older we get, the more baggage people come with.
  • I think there is some merit to the taxi cab theory.
  • I believe men are honest with a woman when they believe that she is a rational, sane, person. Therefore, I do not think they were trying to spare my feelings with their responses.

TIPS

I’m very aware that not everyone is quite as bold as me when it comes to dating & situations such as this but here’s what I have to offer:

  • If you’re truly looking for a LTR, don’t go on dates with men that list in their online profiles that they’re not, no matter how attractive or witty they are. If these guys are listing LTR & aren’t emotionally available, Lord knows what the “New Friends” only guys are doing. 
  • It sounds obvious now, but I see girls make this mistake constantly. If you meet a guy says he just wants to “be free/have fun/etc.” he’s probably not looking for anything serious. 
  • If a guy mentions an ex at all on a first date, it’s more likely that he’s not over her.
  • If you’re got the balls/ovaries, just ask them for feedback if they ghost out on you. (If you’d like to know the exact text I sent, feel free to message me).

I wish I could offer more advice especially for men about women, but I’m still learning right out there with the rest of you. Please, share your thoughts?